Sunday, 10 January 2010

How to Live a Double Life

Thanks to everyone for their comments on my posts.  It's really a great feeling to be writing something and to know that someone is comprehending what I write and taking the effort to comment.  I'm very grateful.

Flirty office guy is in the office again.  I am finding him increasingly sexy - but know I won't make the first move (if there is a move to be made at all) - if not he'll just remain a fun fantasy!

A lot of people have asked me how I manage to live what some people class as a double life.  On the one hand I'm a very ordinary, unassuming, married guy with a regular job.  But on the other hand I am looking for a relationship or hook up with other men - something that is a "big" part of my life yet totally secret to everyone around me.

The answer to how I manage to live this way is made up of several different points which I think when put together, to me at least, it makes sense.

The first thing is that I have an order of priorities that I will not in any way change.  I knew what I was before I decided to get married and no matter what - my marriage and my family must always come first.  My second and third priorities after my family are of course work and friends.  Only after that can I even begin to consider my gay side anywhere on my list of priorities.  I know the way I live my life is problematic - but I always make sure that I don't do anything or put myself in any situation that will cause me or others problems.

As part of these priorities and putting my family first that also involves the time when I am available to search, meet and play.  I make sure that any "gay" activities never take place when I should be with my family.  This means that my time for me is normally during work and again only when I am able to get away with raising suspicions or causing problems.

Then once I overcome the problems of family, availability, time and location etc... I actually need to find someone that I am genuinely interested in meeting.  Sometimes these meetings are good and lead to good things, sometimes they are boring and disappointment and a complete waste of time.

The next important step is making sure that no matter what you have done (or not done, as the case may be) when I arrive home, everything must be left at the door.  If you've been, disappointed, excited, humiliated, blown or fucked - the second I get home all thoughts of what I've done or what I'm going to do - stay at the door.  As soon as I walk in - I turn from whatever I was into Mr. Regular.

None of this is easy - but maybe the discipline of living like this is what keeps me sane.  I've met guys who have gone out of their mind living the double life.  For me, it's something I've basically been doing since I was about 16 years old.  Living this way is part of my life and to be honest, living without it seems to me to be quite boring.

I quite understand there are a lot of men who wouldn't and can't live this way.  Maybe it's because I'm disciplined or maybe it's because I don't have a conscience (that's for you to decide) that I live peacefully with myself. 

Physical contact with a man is something I feel I need and enjoy.  I think my home-life would be much worse without it.  I look at it like this - why prevent myself from doing something that I enjoy - if I can do it without hurting anyone else?  Sure plenty of people will disagree with me.  Some may see it as a lie, I don't! 

I hope I have given you an insight into the way I live to help you understand it a little better.


In other news re my post Crossroads I decided to go with the "what the hell" and I spoke to the head of personnel.  She said she will speak to the boss.  Currently the position hasn't been officially advertised yet.  But she said thanks and was pleased I came to see her.  I was a bit nervous but don't think I said anything stupid. 


  1. I appreciate you taking the time to write about this. I understand the double life, but for me, it was killing me. So I made the decision to come out. It was my choice. Maybe it was the right one, maybe it wasn't. I don't believe that there's a single answer for all of us.

    Good luck with the job opening.

  2. Well I have a bit of a double life as well, I guess. Although I am not married and don't see myself ever being married either. My secret is mostly from my family and most of my friends -- although I have told at least three of them that I am indeed bisexual, and they were fine with it.

    But, I have to say, that I don't think I could do what you are doing. I know myself well enough to know that I have always been and will always be weak at 'compartmentalizing' my life. I used to work with my mother and she would always chastise me for coming to work and wearing my problems on my sleeve/face. She's great at it (at the time my parents were really having some marriage issues) and never transmitted her problems to the co-workers; I haven't inherited that trait from her, unfortunately.

    I do feel that people generally don't understand what bisexuality really means and assume that one is simply gay or straight. (I am reading a fantastic book on the subject right now, btw.) So, its confusing to have to explain that 'yeah, i love pussy AND cock' and not have people just assume you are gay.

    Keep up with your blogging -- its addictive!