Excitement

I'm feeling very positive today.  Woke up this morning early and did what I have to do so that I could go for a walk before going to the dietitian.  Had been thinking a lot about it and was determined to make one last effort before the big weigh-in.  I actually enjoy walking, putting some music on and just walking and walking.  It's just the initial getting dressed and getting outside.  Once I'm outside I enjoy the chance to some time to myself. I guess I walked in an hour about 4-5 kilometers which is pretty good (perhaps a bit more).  Came back feeling really good.

I arrived at the dietitian's office early and waited until she called me.  She's is a very happy, bubbly person and we talked about some other issues and then I got on the scales.   I had already made sure I was wearing light clothes and removed everything from my pockets - keys, phone, wallet.   It's one of those old-fashioned scales where she slides the weight along a metal pole (not too sure how to describe it).  I watched her sliding the weight along and was super-surprised to see I'd lost 5 kilos!!!  I was so happy - I had worked hard (although I could have worked harder maybe) but it was definitely a result!

Because of other things going on, I sat and chatted with her for about 30 minutes.  It was quite amazing how well she could understand the mind of a person with an eating disorder (not me) and she was just so helpful and willing to do whatever she could.  She even realised how much I needed the talk myself and I'm not sure how I'm going to go about it offering it, but she gave me advice that I need to offer to someone else.  Her desire to help was just incredible.

So it was a mega-incentive for me to carry on with the diet and work harder to achieve better results for my next visit in a month's time.  The dietitian told me that I don't really need her, but I explained that I need to know that even if it's only once a month, that I'm under some kind of supervision so I will continue to work hard and get to a more healthy weight.  I think without the supervision I will get bored and give up.

On an even lighter note - spent some time today working with Flirty office guy.  He's quite fit and goes rowing a lot in the sea.  He told me how the last time he rowed - it was very cold and when he got out of the water his balls had shrunk to almost invisible.  There was also a lot of sexual innuendo coming from him.  We were working in a room full of people so I'm not sure if he's just joking because if he wasn't, there was no way either of us could have actually done anything - even if we'd had the courage to do something.

This has definitely given me a good start to the weekend.

Success or Fail?

Tomorrow will be exactly three weeks since my ...and I'm Feeling Good post.  For those of you who don't have the time or paitence to read it, in brief, it'll be three weeks since I first went to see the dietitian about losing weight.  Her advice was pretty sensible and although it took me a while to get into the swing of changing my eating habits - both in terms of what I eat and how much I eat - I think I'm doing pretty good.  Tomorrow I will be weighed to find out if it's helping.  She had said that she would have liked me to lose around 1.5 - 2 kilos.  I'm hoping that it will be more. 

So I'm doing OK with the food but not doing nearly enough exercise.  I guess it's a mixture of laziness, tiredness and winter.  But I have been out for some power walks - but definitely need to be doing it around 3 - 4 times a week - which I'm not doing.

I'm really hoping I have reached, if not, exceeded the dietitian's expectations.  It will give me a boost that I desperately need at the moment.  Summer is looming and we spend a lot of time at the swimming pool or beach and although I know I won't be perfect, I would definitely like to feel a little better about myself.

Things are slowly thawing at home.  It's going to be a long process - we have never gone so long with being mad at each other, but being the eternal optimist that I am - things can only get better (they certainly can't be any worse).

Earlier today at work Flirty office guy came into my office (the people I share a room with are away) and he asks if I want to come with him to take a pee?  Not too sure how to react, I said sure but only if I can hold yours!  Then he went off by himself.  What the hell am I supposed to make of a question like that?  Just a joke?  Something more?

Compared to a couple of weeks ago, my levels or horniness are pretty low at the moment - I think it's because of the mood I've been in - but I've no doubt it will pick up soon.  Especially if there are good results tomorrow I'll want to celebrate.  I just hope the diet and the relatively hard work I'm doing is a success and not a failure.

Wish me luck!

Don't Misunderstand

I'm often under the misunderstanding that my posts need to be long, rambling literary works.  I guess like most people there are days which are just very quiet and I have very little to say.  That doesn't mean that I'm neglecting the blog or giving up, but I have decided it's better some days not to write anything than to write shite.

The last couple of days have been just like that.  I've not been in a very good mood and I'm pretty down.  Although I put on a great face.  Following the big argument with my wife last week - we're still not speaking and basically because of lots of other things around - I can't even be bothered to make up with her.  My constant thinking about my situation (don't get me wrong - I'm not looking for sympathy) has left me drained and without any kind of desire to do anything else. 

A good friend told me that not resolving arguments leaves you full of resentment - and he's absolutely right.  But that's what has happened and how much resentment can one person take before it boils over to something more?  I don't know.  But I definitely feel I'm getting to the point where I stop caring.  It's a horrible situation to be in.

I guess things will resolve themselves one way or the other.  But that's why my blog posts have been a bit patchy recently.  But I'm still enjoying having this outlet to vent and rant.  I hope I sometimes make you smile too.

Thanks all for listening and even commenting.

Working Fun

Well Thursday was very interesting.  If I wasn't confused before about Flirty office guy - I am now!!  He needed my help with something he was doing and I was only too happy to help!

He sat at my desk and there was quite a bit of "leg touching" - his leg touching my leg - even to the point that we joked about it.  There was lots of "gay talk" and lots of joking - him telling me to suck his cock - me offering to do it.  But still things got weirder.  After about working for a while  I had to go to the toilet to pee.  Expecting him to say sure, I'll wait here, he says OK, me too, I'll come with you.

So there we are standing next to each other at the urinals (unfortunately there's a partition between them) we continue talking.  It made me very horny to know that he was standing a few centimeters from me holding his dick.  I finished first and as I walked behind him, I tried desperate to sneak a look - but in those few milliseconds of opportunity, I didn't get the angles and trajectories right and didn't see anything - and trust me - I tried hard!

We carried on working and finished what we had to do.  Maybe from the nerves or excitement I needed to pee again after about half-an-hour.  Just as I'm finishing Flirty office guy comes in to the toilet again.  This time as I finish I stand behind him and rock him from side to side as a joke - as if to make him pee on the wall.  He just laughed.  Then while I washed my hands we continued talking.  I asked him if he needs a hand.  He says sure you can help me hold it ... I thought what the hell and started to walk towards him with my hand held out.  He laughed again and said "oh my god, fuck off"  or something similar.

The whole thing was very weird.  Again, maybe coincidence - maybe not. 

Other than that, things are quiet.  I still believe women are mad though.  Had a quiet weekend on my own as my wife went to visit her mother and I was home alone.  I didn't have the energy to "enjoy" myself as it was cold and rainy.  Maybe men are mad too.

Women!

I have heard on so many levels jokes about it being impossible to understand a woman and I have now reached the decision that these are in fact not jokes, but it's something that's totally true.  It is impossible to understand a woman or what they are thinking or how they might react to a certain situation.

I'm in a horrible mood today.  I had a big row with my wife this morning and the worst part of it is that I don't even know what we argued about!  Rows and arguments can be classified into simple disagreements to all out war.  Today was definitely at the bad end of the scale.

Why is it that some women just seem to either wake up angry or will go out of their way to be difficult and argumentative?  I know that men can't always be easy - but in my opinion they are so much more easy going than women.

Our argument happened first thing this morning and it's completely screwed me up for the whole day.  I can't concentrate and have no motivation to do anything.  Sure everybody argues but I have reached the stage that I never know what's best.  Although I don't do as I'm told - I was always told never to hold things inside but to say what you have to say.  So what is best - to say what you have to say - have a huge row and be upset the whole day or to hold it in feeling very frustrated and be upset the whole day???

I can't deny there's an entire secret side to my life that my wife doesn't know about - but on the whole I'm a good husband and  I never let the two sides of my life collide.  My wife has friends/acquaintances who are beaten black and blue by their husbands.  Friends whose husbands will happily get their wives pregnant and make it perfectly clear to them that they won't help with the care of the children.  Friends who are controlled in every way by their husbands in terms of what they wear and how much money they are allowed to spend and friends whose husbands spend more time getting drunk and stoned with their friends than they do being at home!

I don't drink or gamble, I work hard, I do the best I can to provide for my family.  I'm not violent or aggressive, I certainly don't control her in any way and I'm very supportive.  But still that never seems to be enough.

I'm not trying to justify the way I live my life or make excuses for what I do, but sometimes just a kind word or a hug or nice gesture can make such a difference.  It's possibly that which is lacking in my life that makes my desire to be with a man so strong.  If I can't find what I need at home, I will simply look for it elsewhere.  I don't know.

I've put on a brave face at work all day - I don't mix what goes on at home with what goes on outside the home, so having this blog is a nice way to vent what I've been feeling all day.

Wishing you all a better day than I had and I wait and see what this evening...tomorrow will bring.

I would happily accept a hug today from any of these guys.

Flirting

Flirty office guy is back in the office from his trip.  I'm quite sure I'm not imagining it but there seems to be so much sexual tension/chemistry between us, it's quite wild.  I'm almost positive it's there and not just something I keep thinking is there, but isn't.  A lot of the "running" seems to come from him too.  He sends me messages on Skype, visits me in my office etc...  Don't misunderstand, I also initiate some of the contact, but definitely not all.

He is incredibly sexy - he's thin and has a cute little behind.  Would love to see what he looks like naked.  Just given the chance I'd make sure it was something he wouldn't forget!

Some of our Skype conversations have been particularly sexual - but I still can't tell if it's just joking around or whether there is something deeper.  Even when messing about I don't know whether a guy would tell another guy that he has sensitive nipples hahaha!

Anyway, I'm totally horny - and having spoken to a good friend of mine earlier today, he managed to make me even hornier.  His explicit descriptions of what we're going to do together next time we meet didn't help at all.  I hope it's soon - he's a great guy incredibly sexy with a great body.  Guess I just have to be patient.

Other than that, things are pretty quiet here.  I've joined Twitter - but still trying to work out how it all works, if I think it's good I'll add a link here.  The tablets are still working nicely and I'm sleeping much better than I was and I'm so much calmer and patient - which was the purpose of me taking the tablets.  But I still realise that until other things in my life change, the pressure is still there but I just seem to be dealing with it better.

As for the pictures, there is nothing (in my opinion) nicer than a guy in briefs - other than perhaps a guy not in his briefs!  These are model pics but still nice to look at.

Some See Straight in Me

It all began about 1½ years ago.  Through my daughter's nursery we met a couple whose daughter quickly became best friends with my daughter.  He was currently studying for his doctorate and she was in an office job.  I'm not a snob, but they weren't really my cup of tea - I'm not too sure why, but they were pleasant enough and the kids got along great. 

They were perhaps a little too over-friendly - it was as though the husband had decided that no matter what, we would be their friends.  It later became obvious that the husband was very controlling and pretty much decided everything that went on in their house.  Often at weekends they would phone us to see if we wanted to join them - sometimes we said yes, other times we didn't.

The wife was particularly timid.  I think she'd had quite a difficult life, always saying how much she'd hated being at school.  She was bullied at work.  She had a controlling husband.  She didn't even have much of a personality but was basically harmless.  She often confided in my wife at how her husband was sometimes very mean to her and made all the decisions about their lives.

Basically we all began to get along very nicely, it was all very correct and easy-going.  We had all exchanged emails and the wife would send me the viral internet jokes she received or send me a mail to say she ask if I'd had a nice weekend and other pleasantries.

One day about 7 or 8 months ago she sent me a mail asking about my weekend.  I don't really have much patience for her so replied pretty briefly that it was nice (or something similar) but I could see that she wasn't giving up.  She sent me another mail almost immediately saying I hadn't answered all her questions.  I replied back saying I had just been a little busy and distracted at work.

She continued, and again sends me another mail which just said something along the lines of "Can I talk to you seriously for a minute?".  I wasn't really left with much choice so I said, "yeah, sure!"  Within 2 minutes she'd replied with this rambling mail that she can no longer control her feelings and she's going with her heart and not her head (yadda yadda yadda) and that she's in love with me!!

I was a little shocked (to say the least).  As some of my other posts on this blog may show - I'm not really into women any more than the one I have at home (and believe me that's more than enough).  No matter how much I were to try, I couldn't fancy this women if she was pickled!  I suddenly realised this poor, timid woman was throwing herself at me offering me the chance to have an affair with her and it was suddenly something very "grown up".

I immediately replied that I found it very flattering (how gay!) but I wasn't in the least bit interested and as far as I'm concerned this whole issue is closed and I don't want to mention it again. She replied something like she had no intentions of hurting her husband or my wife (yeah, right!) and she thanked me for my honesty.

A day or two later I saw her but I just carried on as though nothing had happened - she was unable to make eye contact with me.  After that, the whole thing went quiet for a couple of weeks when I received another email from her and again with her "following her heart" crap and she was sure she had seen "a sign" or a glimmer of hope that I was interested.  I was left with no choice but to reiterate that I wasn't interested. 

I guess you gotta give her credit for trying, but I just wasn't interested.    Obviously I never mentioned any of this to my wife but there's still a great deal of discomfort when we're around each other.  Almost as though she's undressing me with her eyes hahahahaha!  Luckily I don't think she's a bunny boiler nor do I expect one night to go to bed to find a horse's head lying next to me.  But personally, I think I handled the situation pretty well and in a grown up way.

I suppose I'm not as gay as I thought I was and I still manage to pull off the straight thing when needed.

I'm not sure why I wrote this post today - but it was interesting seeing it in writing!