Stop. Period.

Now that I'm kind of documenting my life and although this is only my second month of blogging - I think I'm already beginning to see a pattern.  I've read articles that although men don't have menstrual cycles, they do have monthly cycles.  Looking back over last months post around the same time last month I was also pretty down as I am at the moment.  Other than the regular worries that I have together with the whole world - relationship, money, work worries etc... I can't put my finger on what it is that is making me feel like crap.

Was chatting with flirty office guy he also said he was feeling sad at the moment and for no reason we sometimes wake up feeling sad.  Was hoping he'd say it's because he's having confusing feelings (about me) and would love to put his head on my shoulder and have a cry while I hug him, but he didn't!

In our office, being rather spoiled IT personnel, we have fruit cut up for us after lunch and placed in the office kitchen for us.  Flirty office guy has started a new "custom" of putting some red grapefruit (my favourite) on a plate and leaving some on my desk (with a napkin) for when I get back from lunch!  How sweet is that???

Sometimes I don't think I should be sad - I know there are people in situations much worse than mine - but I guess like everyone else - sometimes we just get sad, depressed and down.  For some it takes nothing more than some warm words and a gentle hug from the right person to pull you out of the depression.  For others it takes a lot more.

I am normally and consider myself to be a happy person.  I am also very determined to make myself happy in whatever way I can.  I hope I haven't depressed anyone with this post, just wanted to post how I'm feeling.  Maybe it's not a period that I'm having again, maybe it's more than that - maybe it's less.  But just as I did last month and the month before, I'll be fine.

A good shag should sort this all out.

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Probably staying later than usual tonight in the office (I think Flirty office guy is staying late too!!).

Fingers crossed the pictures below will add to the ambience - a boy can dream - they will hopefully lighten the mood slightly too.

Waiting and Waiting Some More..

I am an incredibly patient person.  I admit that I am less patient than I used to be - but still a very patient man.  I seem to find myself spending large portions of my life waiting.  Yes, waiting.  Waiting for answers at work regarding work I've done.  Waiting for my wife to pick me up.  Waiting for a reply to an email I sent.  Waiting for a reply to a message sent on a dating website.  Waiting to see if the guy I arranged to meet turns up.

Today, for example, the wife left home very early this morning to go to the gym - she calls me at 7.30am to tell me she'll be a little held up because she wants to go to a shop near the gym to buy something - the shop opens at 9.00am.  OK, I'm waiting for her to bring me the car - but I'm patient.  At 9.15am she calls me to say she's on the way to the shop with a friend!  At 9.30am she calls me to check on the Internet what time the shop opens because it's shut.  I enquire, call another branch, return to my wife to tell her the shop only opens at 10.00am.  She waits.  At 10.15am she calls me to say - they haven't got what she wanted and is on her way home.  At 10.50am she calls me to tell me she's stuck in traffic.  Hurrah, at 11.15 she arrives home!!!  Now that is how to be patient.

So I get to work  But I have to be back home at 1.15pm to drop my wife off for a very important job interview - please keep your fingers crossed!!!  I must then go back to work for another 3½ hours then leave again to collect my daughter.  Wait (of course) for my wife to finish her interview and then pick her up.

In the meantime I received an email from a guy I like (a lot) and had planned to meet - he's been rushed off to emergency meetings in France - I'm waiting for him to get back.

So much running around and I'm so horny at the moment but have no outlet for it.  I've been having some crazy fantasies lately about things I'd like to do (and who I'd like to do them with) including flirty office guy and a couple of other guys I'm friends with.

From experience, most fantasies are best left as fantasies - but there's certainly no harm in trying to recreate fantasies to a certain extent.  Recently, my latest fantasy has involved water sports.  I haven't had much experience with it but what I have had has been quite fun.  It all started very unexpected on a visit to a local sauna near to where I used to work.

I'd hooked up with a guy and we were in our little cubicle together.  Things were good - it was dark but he was pretty smooth, slim and had a nice sized cock.  We were both very much into the kissing and touching.  There was lots of mutual sucking and fingering etc...  Suddenly, the guy stops and pulls me close and tells me that he needs to pee.  I guess at the time I was pretty naive (or just stupid).  At first I thought it was possibly an excuse because he wanted to leave - maybe he wasn't enjoying as much as I'd thought he was.  I was wrong.

So I said that's cool - I said I'd wait here while he goes upstairs to the toilet.  It was dark but I could tell he was shrugging his shoulders.  Weird, I thought.  He pulls me close again and says he really needs to pee.  I thought perhaps he didn't hear me the first time and I said to him "go, I'll wait for you."  He must have realised my naivety and asks "how about I do it here?".  My immediate thought was "bollocks, he's gonna make my towel wet peeing in the corner."

Then, the penny drops!!!  Now I get it.  How stupid could I have been!  I pull him close to me this time and I say "go for it".  I make it clear I don't want it on my face or mouth.  The next thing I know - I'm on my back and he's straddled on top of me and there it is.  I feel his hot pee landing on my chest and stomach.  Fuck - I'm actually touching / feeling / smelling another guys pee on me and fuck it's sexy.  I sit up and as he stops peeing - we being kissing hard - he pulls himself close to me - both of us sliding and slipping over each other from his pee.  It made me so fucking horny. 

This time, I take hold of his cock - my finger just touching the end of his cock on his pee-hole and I feel his hot piss shooting out of his cock onto me - cascading down my body.  He pushes me down on my back and lies on top of me - sliding over my body - both of us wet.  The mattress also wet - forming small puddles of piss.  This goes on for another few minutes - until he has emptied his bladder. 

This has to be one of the ultimate acts of intimacy between two people.  It was great.  He wanted me to piss on him too, but I think I was too caught up in the moment to do it (although I tried).  Feeling and smelling this guy on me was a fantastic experience particularly in the dark, sexy, anonymous atmosphere of the sauna.

We finished and I headed to the showers.  Shocked and totally excited by what I had done - leaving me with the feeling that I want to do it again.  But it's not the sort of thing that everyone is into and obviously you must be in the right place, with the right guy at the right time - would love to do it again.

I know that lots of people are disgusted by the thought of water sports / golden showers - but when done properly - the idea of holding another guy's cock while he pisses is truly exciting and for me, incredibly sexy.

Of course, I'm still waiting for the chance to do it again.

Upwards and Onwards, Honestly

Thank you again for all your comments.  Obviously the side I am portraying here is entirely my side.  I know that what works for me may not work for others.  I appreciate the time and efforts people are taking in reading and commenting.

It's a scary, yet good feeling to know that I'm moving forward with my life.  Being ill (i wasnt expecting that - part i) definitely made me realise that life is way too short not to go for things that you want.  Coincidentally, I was called this morning by a lady who had received my CV and gave me a telephone interview.  I really think these are pointless exercises which can ascertain nothing about the person you are interviewing.  I was asked to rate myself in terms of skills and ability with various computer-related tools that I use.  As I've mentioned before, I pretty much loathe myself and find it even more difficult to give myself marks for tools and applications I barely use. 

Obviously, on your CV and in job interviews everybody lies - and lying is almost second nature to me, given the life that I lead - but I never know how much to lie.  Especially when I'm being asked about how good I am with MS Project.  At least I made the lady laugh when I told her that NOBODY knows how to use MS Project - although I gave myself a 3 out of 5.  In fact, I've never used it but once did a teach-yourself course in it about 10 years ago. 

The same quandary of how much to lie relates back to my "gay lifestyle" too.  On the dating/chat websites it's quite amazing to what lengths guys will actually go to in order to meet a guy.  Sure you can knock a couple of pounds of your weight, even a couple of years of your age.  There is also no shortage of those who had a couple of cm to the size of their cock.  But some men are just clueless (and in my opinion - much worse than women). 

I once arranged to meet a guy at a deserted warehouse.  I turn up and see his car already waiting.  He had told me he was tall, stocky, even a little plump.  I have no problem with that at all.  I parked next to his car and I could see he was making moves to get out of his car, so I waited. 

What approached me was a giant of man - no doubt weighing at least 150 kilos (330 lbs for the US readers and 23+ stone for UK readers) trundling towards me - his legs were so thick - walking would be an understatement - AND he was wearing the tiniest of shorts.  I think the worst part about it was the grin on his face.  I can only assume he had been rejected so many times being honest - his only hope was to lie.  This is where lying goes too far.  I politely told him (before he had squashed himself into my car) that it was gonna happen.  I felt bad, not because he was fat, but because he had lied and I knew that there was no way he was ever going to get the male contact he obviously wants by not being honest.

So I shall wait to hear whether this telephone interview will get me anywhere (I have my doubts) or whether the personnel lady in my company will come back to me with some good or encouraging news.

In the meantime, my life moves on slowly.  The same problems still there waiting around every corner - but we always manage to deal with them - as long as we're honest (mainly!).

I'm not really one for cutsie pictures, this one just seemed to fit what I was thinking.

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Still no progress with flirty office guy.  He's wearing very sexy trousers today - would love to see him out of them too.  We can only hope!!!

How to Live a Double Life

Thanks to everyone for their comments on my posts.  It's really a great feeling to be writing something and to know that someone is comprehending what I write and taking the effort to comment.  I'm very grateful.

Flirty office guy is in the office again.  I am finding him increasingly sexy - but know I won't make the first move (if there is a move to be made at all) - if not he'll just remain a fun fantasy!

A lot of people have asked me how I manage to live what some people class as a double life.  On the one hand I'm a very ordinary, unassuming, married guy with a regular job.  But on the other hand I am looking for a relationship or hook up with other men - something that is a "big" part of my life yet totally secret to everyone around me.

The answer to how I manage to live this way is made up of several different points which I think when put together, to me at least, it makes sense.

The first thing is that I have an order of priorities that I will not in any way change.  I knew what I was before I decided to get married and no matter what - my marriage and my family must always come first.  My second and third priorities after my family are of course work and friends.  Only after that can I even begin to consider my gay side anywhere on my list of priorities.  I know the way I live my life is problematic - but I always make sure that I don't do anything or put myself in any situation that will cause me or others problems.

As part of these priorities and putting my family first that also involves the time when I am available to search, meet and play.  I make sure that any "gay" activities never take place when I should be with my family.  This means that my time for me is normally during work and again only when I am able to get away with raising suspicions or causing problems.

Then once I overcome the problems of family, availability, time and location etc... I actually need to find someone that I am genuinely interested in meeting.  Sometimes these meetings are good and lead to good things, sometimes they are boring and disappointment and a complete waste of time.

The next important step is making sure that no matter what you have done (or not done, as the case may be) when I arrive home, everything must be left at the door.  If you've been, disappointed, excited, humiliated, blown or fucked - the second I get home all thoughts of what I've done or what I'm going to do - stay at the door.  As soon as I walk in - I turn from whatever I was into Mr. Regular.

None of this is easy - but maybe the discipline of living like this is what keeps me sane.  I've met guys who have gone out of their mind living the double life.  For me, it's something I've basically been doing since I was about 16 years old.  Living this way is part of my life and to be honest, living without it seems to me to be quite boring.

I quite understand there are a lot of men who wouldn't and can't live this way.  Maybe it's because I'm disciplined or maybe it's because I don't have a conscience (that's for you to decide) that I live peacefully with myself. 

Physical contact with a man is something I feel I need and enjoy.  I think my home-life would be much worse without it.  I look at it like this - why prevent myself from doing something that I enjoy - if I can do it without hurting anyone else?  Sure plenty of people will disagree with me.  Some may see it as a lie, I don't! 

I hope I have given you an insight into the way I live to help you understand it a little better.

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In other news re my post Crossroads I decided to go with the "what the hell" and I spoke to the head of personnel.  She said she will speak to the boss.  Currently the position hasn't been officially advertised yet.  But she said thanks and was pleased I came to see her.  I was a bit nervous but don't think I said anything stupid. 

Crossroads

Two days ago was the 7th anniversary of me working in the same company doing the same job. I'm currently at a bit of a professional crossroads in my life right now.  I love my job, luckily I don't have to work too hard, I enjoy being around most of the people I work with and my salary is pretty good too and of course "flirty office guy" is definitely a good reason for me to stay here. 

In the time that I have been working at this company it has been sold and sold again.  I have seen lots of people younger than me and working here less than me moving positions, being promoted or moving on to other things.  I am still in the same job I started 7 years ago doing pretty much the same thing - nothing has changed!   Lots of these people aren't (in my opinion) any more capable or qualified than me.

There is of course a drawback.  I work in an IT company and although I'm a university graduate - it's not in a technical field.  I have the job I have because I'm a mother-tongue English speaker (with specific writing abilities).  I have very little technical background (or knowledge) which is obviously a big drawback working in an IT company. 

In the past I have spoken with the company's CEO about my situation - he likes me a lot (I hope) and was very understanding and was very fair going through each department and why I wouldn't be suited working there.  (I can't become a support engineer or program developer for obvious reasons).  He also took into account my family situation and how frequent, possibly sudden and prolonged trips overseas wouldn't be suitable for me (he's right!). 

So here I am sitting at my desk day in day out doing the same thing.  In the 7 years I've been here I have definitely reached a certain level of "seniority" and think I receive a certain level of respect from people here. 

The question is, how long can I continue like this?  I am half-looking for a new position - but I understand in the middle of a recession it's very difficult to find a job and even more difficult to leave a good and very secure job to go into the outside world and do something different or the same thing in a different place.  On the plus side of my job - I am not really supervised , I am pretty much my own boss, I am free to come and go as I please, I'm not part of a team (I'm not much of a team player).  On the down side - I'm bored out of my skull, I'm void of any motivation to do anything and again I'm bored, bored, bored!

A new position has been vacated being the manager of quite a large department here.  The girl who used to manage the department is a good friend of mine and she was the one who put the idea in my head that I should go for the job. 

I even spoke to one of the senior managers here about it but he said as I don't have experience managing a team (and there are currently 2 team leaders in this department) it would be a "hard sell" but not necessarily impossible.  He even suggested I speak to the personnel lady.  However, I am not sure whether to go for it or not.  I don't want to make myself look stupid/desperate in front of the company management.  But it would kill me to see one of the two current team leaders in that department get the job instead of me!!!  On the other hand, I'm totally ready for a change, to advance myself and to earn more money.

I like to think I'm well received and well liked in the company but can't decide whether to speak to the personnel lady or not!!!

What should I do?  Sometimes being grown up isn't fun!

Sexual Chemistry

I wrote previously about a guy in my office in the post secrets-lies-and-maybe.  Since that post nothing has changed but there is still an enormous amount of sexual tension between us.  I know I can sometimes get carried away - assuming that all married men are like me - but there is something about the chemistry between us when we're together that just doesn't seem "normal".

We shake hands in the morning when he arrives at work (he's almost always arrives later than me and always pays a visit to my office before making his morning coffee) and hold each other's hands for just half a second longer than would be considered normal.  He sat next to me at my desk to show me something on the computer and we just seemed too close - there was distinct physical contact between us. 

Often jokingly, he always says that I can "suck his cock" and we were discussing our nipples the other day too.  He even felt my at the beginning of the week to see how smooth my skin was after I had shaved!!!

Maybe I'm imagining it, maybe not.  Me, him and another friend are planning on going out next week for an evening - maybe something will happen.  Maybe we'll talk freely about things.  He doesn't have a car so depending on where we are going out (probably a bar or restaurant) I may offer to take him home. 

He's only been married about 6 months.  He's about 175, bald, slim and light skinned and works out regularly.  He's not incredibly beautiful - but there is something very special and masculine about him and I enjoy being around him.  His frequent visits into my office are always enjoyable - sometimes he's on his mobile phone and if nobody else is sitting in my office with me, he'll come in sit down and carry on his phone conversation.

I may very well be reading too much into his behaviour - but who knows?   A couple of weeks ago we were in the lift together and I am almost positive he was making a move towards me and at the last second suddenly moved away - was I imagining it?  Perhaps I am willing something that isn't existing to be there.

I can't wait for the moment when something does happen.  I've been imagining (or fantasising) about how it would happen.  One moment I'm thinking we'll be sitting next to each other and our eyes will lock and we'll move in and just start kissing each other.  But then I'm thinking he'll put his hand on my leg and not remove it and I'll feel it slowly sliding up my thigh towards my cock.

I keep thinking about the possibility (and obviously the difficulties) of having an affair with this guy.  Sending each other dirty emails.  Sending him a message and meeting him in the bathroom.  Even having a shower with him in the office (yes, we have a shower room!).  I'm quite excited by the prospect of it happening although I understand the chances of it happening being very limited, if existent at all.

Obviously, I will keep you posted!

But wish me luck and any advice, comments, warnings would all be very appreciated. 

Has anyone been in a similar situation?  Did anybody act upon the suspicions?  Any missed opportunities?

Attraction

In my almost never-ending search for the perfect, secret, male partner I'm often asked what kind of guys am I attracted to.

This seemingly innocent question which you would expect a straight-forward answer to can sometimes be very problematic.  Obviously, like everyone else I want someone who is aesthetically pleasing to the eye.  It would be a lie to say that the physical attributes of the guy aren't important.  But the part that normally causes lots of difficulties for me is when I tell the person asking the question that the physical beauty of the guy isn't the most important thing for me. 

As I've grown up, so have my needs and desires regarding a man changed.  When I was younger I would never have considered really talking to a guy properly.  Telling him my real name or where I live would just never have happened.  Some quick anonymous sex was all I wanted.  Now that I'm older, that isn't enough for me - I'm very happy to suck on a dick still - but would like to know who the dick is attached to.

I am a very strong believer of inner beauty.  I think I guy may not necessarily be beautiful on the outside but he can radiate beauty from within.  Some guys, surprisingly - a huge majority of them in a similar situation to me (married) etc.. can be exceptionally fussy.  I don't mean that you should take whatever you can get - but I have been "rejected" for having a hairy chest, for not being tall enough or simply not living in the right city. 

Sure there are attributes in a man that I find very attractive but I would never reject the possibility of meeting a guy because he didn't match my idea of what I'm looking for.  As a married man, the most important thing for me is always discretion.  Love-making with a guy I can trust and feel comfortable with is a million times more fun that sex with a male model incapable of writing his own name.

Being in my position and making the necessary efforts and arrangements to be with a man - I want him to be a man.  I like hairy men and I want them to behave like men.  Recently, I met a married guy who in the half an hour that we sat in his car talking showed me that he was wearing female panties, his toenails had nail polish on and his body was completely smooth - not a single hair on his body (other than his head)!  I loved his freedom to show and tell me what he wanted and what he liked - but it did nothing for me.  I know there are some guys who enjoy that kind of thing, but it's not for me.  He was also looking to be with a guy so he could wear a dress and literally be a woman to another man.  This is way beyond what I find sexy.

A lot of the time some of the guys I have been most attracted to have not necessarily been the most beautiful - but there was something about them that attracted me to them.  It's not something that I can actually describe - it's something about the guy himself and it's these inexplicable things that can drive me wild with desire. 

In my opinion - a man can be stunningly beautiful with an enormous cock but can be a useless lover.  Yet an average looking guy with an average body can be the most fantastic and sensual lover.

The people that seek perfection in a partner generally end up alone.  I don't think it's a matter of compromising your requirements as much as a matter of being realistic in what it is you genuinely want and are able to find.  There are several blogs I have seen of "Ordinary Men" - I much prefer to look at regular guys, guys that I can picture myself being with - rather than ripped, toned, muscular guys - does that make me weird?

I have no doubt that my perfect partner is out there somewhere looking for me - he may be my perfect partner but not someone else's idea of perfection.